*This blog was written a few months ago, but never published. We wanted to share in the amazingness of what the Lord has done in our lives!*

Well hello there! This is Hart writing. This update is kind of long overdue. Plus, if we keep putting this off all these details will become fuzzier and fuzzier.

These last few months have been a wild ride! We are sorry for how long it has taken us to get an update out. But I'm guessing most of you were able to stay updated either via social media and/or through our network of family and friends.

But let's take a moment to recap. On the afternoon of Sunday, Jan. 13, we loaded up both of our cars with 4 months worth of stuff and moved down to Charleston. And then on Tuesday, Jan. 15, we loaded both cars back up (with 4 months worth of stuff) and moved back home, with the incredible news that Judah didn't need to undergo the transplant! So how did we get there?

The week prior to our move date the initial results for Judah’s January biopsy came back and his Chimerism had actually increased. Unlike his previous 2 biopsies which showed this number drop all the way from 100% to 76%, this 3rd biopsy showed an increase of 5%. Now quick explanation of all this (because I know this can be confusing). The Chimerism shows the percentage of donor cells vs his own cells. 100% means it's all the donor. So 76% means 24% was from Judah. That big drop indicated Judah's body was rejecting the transplant. And when they examined the cells from Judah, they saw his chromosomes doing weird abnormal things, which indicated the cancer was returning (more on the chromosome stuff below). Anyways, when we saw this report and that his Chimerism had increased 5% we reached out to Judah’s Dr, but her only response was ‘that’s curious’ and that she needed to get his genetics results back before she could really understand what this might mean. And on that Sunday we moved down to Charleston, the genetics test were still not back, our Dr was stilling saying the 5% increase was curious, and we were heading down wondering what in the world curious meant!

So the timeline for his transplant was going to look like this: That first week down there Judah would undergo several days of of labs and tests. Basically, they need to check all his organs and everything to have a baseline so they can monitor him while he undergoes the chemo and transplant. Later in the week he would have surgery to get his ports (a permanent IV so they don’t have to stick him, and a g-tube, which is a way to pump food and medicine in). We would have the weekend off and then the following Monday (Jan 21) he would be admitted, and that week he would begin receiving chemo to prepare his body for the transplant. After 10 days of chemo he would receive the transplant, and then would begin the 100-day countdown. For roughly the first 30-40 days he would be in the hospital, and then if he was doing well he'd be discharged but then the remainder of the 100 days we were going to live at a ministry house down in Mt Pleasant for families with kids in the hospital. Once we got to the 100 day mark (which would have put us into May), if everything looked good we could go home.

Anyways, that’s what the timeline looked like, and what we had been planning and preparing for since basically October when his Dr said the cancer was returning and he needed another transplant.

We went to MUSC on that Monday, Jan 14, for him to start doing his labs, and we had been there for maybe 3 or so hours. Judah had already undergone several scans when his transplant coordinator came and found us and said Dr H is coming to meet with us. That was odd, or should I say, curious. We weren’t scheduled to meet with her that day, and normally if we were going to meet with her we would have gone to her at the clinic. Eventually, she came and got us and took us to a room where Dr H was waiting for us. We came in and she had us sit down, and she began to explain how chromosomes work. I won't go in to details about chromosomes, but you should look on youtube for videos about chromosomes deleting and balancing...it's pretty fascinating. Anyways, she explained that Judah's 5th chromosome was being deleted, and that was a very strong indicator that his body was developing cancer again. The 5th chromosome being deleted and leading to cancer is so common that it actually has a name; deletion 5-q. So because that Chimerism number had been declining, and Judah was experiencing deletion 5-q, these were very strong signals to Dr H and her team (as well as the Drs at the pediatric hospital in Seattle…which is considered one of the best for children's cancer where we got a 2nd opinion from) that Judah’s cancer was returning and he needed to undergo a 2nd transplant.

She said the 5% increase was curious because that’s more than a fluke. And then she said his most recent genetics report was back and it actually showed that his 5th chromosome had balanced itself. After she explained all that, she said, I’ve never seen this or heard of this happening, but because of this, I’m advising you not to do transplant!!! And then she said, whatever you’re doing, keep doing it, because it’s working. At this point we picked our jaws up off the ground and said we’ve been praying, and we’ll keep praying!

So we went back to the Crossbridge house (where we were staying until he would be admitted) and took the rest of the day off. As you can imagine that day was filled with shock, happy tears, and updating lots of people with the amazing news. We were so worn out from it all we stayed the night at Crossbridge and then loaded up the next morning, and headed back home.

The rest of January and February were a blur. As you can imagine, for months we had mentally prepared for this, we had packed and prepared for this time, and then all of a sudden we were home. So it took a while to get back into a routine. Judah underwent a 2nd biopsy in February and those results showed another 2% increase, and also showed his chromosomes still balanced. With those results Dr H said she would be comfortable waiting for him to come down in May for the next biopsy.

He isn’t out of the woods. The Chimerism number is still low, so we still are trying to figure out what his body is doing? As for his chromosomes. The 5th one is still balanced as of the Feb biopsy (praise God!), but he does have some ‘funky’ ones, as Dr H called them. So because of all this, they still want to continue monitoring him. We’re thankful for this miracle, and we’re hoping and praying that God is going to bring this miracle to completion and let Judah have a long and healthy life. But from Dr H’s perspective, this is so…curious…she really can’t put any timeline or expectations on this. So that means lots of biopsies and labs so they can continue monitoring him.

But at this time we are living, loving, and enjoying life! We celebrated Judah's 5th birthday a couple weeks ago and that was such a sweet reminder of what God has done!

With all that said, we not only wanted to give an update on Judah, but we wanted to say thank you. We were so overwhelmed and blown away by the generosity of so many. Wow. God used all of you and your generosity to help us feel so cared for and loved during this season. From financial gifts and gift cards, to presents and care packages, to meals, and of course all the many prayers. Y’all were so incredibly considerate and generous, and the Lord used that to encourage us in ways you’ll never understand. Those gifts helped cover so many expenses and will help cover all these future labs and biopsies he's going to be undergoing. We also have been able to bless others walking in this similar walk with their children or on the road of battling cancer and pray they were encouraged. Thank you so much for the love and support you gave us. We truly are beyond thankful and give God all the glory for how the body of Christ serves!

The Battle

We are in a battle. Plain and simple.

On one hand there is fear and worry and uncertainty in my flesh and the other side is God, who he is, his power, and what he can do.

I feel great comfort that it's okay in the midst of hard trials and suffering to ebb & flow between these two sides as we walk in the realness of our circumstances, but we have to come back to the place that is true, the hope and promises of God in the scheme of eternity. You have to find yourself digging deep into the Word, because they are LIFE for your soul.

When I am faced with the ugliness of this world and my circumstances seem too great, if I have the eternal perspective that one day there will be no more sin, suffering, pain or death, and that every tear will be wiped away and that He will make all things new (Revelation 21), then I am winning the battle, because I remember that it is God's ultimate victory and that He has already won.

It doesn't erase the pain of now with what you are going through, but it makes us realize that they truly are "light and momentary afflictions that are preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison" (1 Cor. 4:17).

I will say that when the doubt, fear, and worry side is winning, you are the most lost. You can't see how the other side is greater, you can't see how it could win, it clouds your vision and tosses you around on the waves of doubt. "But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. For that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways (James 1:6-7).

I am this person. Unstable in all my ways, and I cry out for the Lord to steady me again and again, so that I can boldly pray "the prayer of faith that will save the one who is sick" (James 5:15).

Trials do a lot for us. God uses them to shape us and mold us into who he wants us to be. It often takes being completely stripped down and refined by fire, so that the impurities burn off, and he can literally beat you with a hammer in fire hotter than hell. None of that is fun or easy or enjoyable. But the product at the end, well it glorifies the Maker. It shows off His handiwork. It's something stunning to look at and it reflects back beauty.

"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have it's full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing" (James 1:2).

"Beloved, do not be surprised as the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice, insofar as you share Christ's sufferings, that you may be glad when his glory is revealed. (1 Peter 4:12).

To be honest, I was surprised by this trial this time and it is fiery. I don't know what the Lord is doing here, but it's a battle bigger than me and my child and cancer. Sometimes, God gives me eternal clarity as I lean into his Word and cling to it as my only hope, and sometimes I am being tossed about and my heart feels ripped out of my chest, because the thought of losing my child is utterly barbaric.

I'm encouraged by who God is though. I cannot lose hope.

"The Lord is a man of war; the LORD is his name" (Exodus 15:3). He is fighting this battle. He is my Savior and my warrior.

"Fear not, stand firm, and see the salvation of the Lord, which he will work for your today. For the Egyptians whom you see today, you shall never see again. The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent." Exodus 14: 13

Continual Reminders of God's Sovereignty

I (Hart) shared on here the other day my thoughts from the initial 36 hours after having a bomb dropped in our life (for the 2nd time). In that post I hinted some at the pain and anger and doubt and other emotions I was feeling, but I also shared how God has been relentless in His pursuit of us and I shared some examples. Well, He has continued doing that, so I thought I would share some more examples. These posts are partly for my benefit...something I have to look back on to read and reflect on. But also my hope is for your benefit too. We aren't meant to walk through this life alone. So I want to share the good, the bad and the ugly so that you might know you're not alone, and maybe you'll be encouraged too.

Basically, there are 4 ways I want to share about how God has been reminding us these last few days He's in control.

First, God has been gracious and encouraging to us through His word and the words of others. It's been special how specific texts in scripture keep popping up that bring encouragement and refreshment to our souls. It's also been incredible how the devotionals we have and are working through time after time end up being exactly what we need to hear. We've really benefited from Paul Tripp's 'New Morning Mercies' devotional, and I know Vanessa has appreciated She Reads Truth. One verse that came on our radar and has been special to us is 2 Corinthians 1:9-10:

Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead. He delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will deliver us again.

Second, through the prayers and generosity of others. We have been so overwhelmed by the generosity and kindness of others. So many people are already praying...I've lost count at this point of all the prayer lists, and prayer groups, and churches in various places around the world that are praying for Judah. Those prayers are so appreciated and were especially needed on our behalf in those first couple days as we were numb and in shock and having a hard time even finding the words to pray. We've received anonymous financial donations from people, we received a letter from Make A Wish SC that included gift cards to Target for Judah to go on a shopping spree, and we've been showered with meals. I was also told yesterday at church about a group of college students from our church working on putting a care package together for us, and we've also been asked to come up with a list of gift cards to places we like / would be practical to have for this upcoming season. Truly blown away at this generosity.

Third, this kind of piggybacks the first point, but it also further demonstrates God's provision and sovereignty, which is why I want to highlight this one. Vanessa had the wonderful idea that we should come up with some fun things to do as a family before transplant. So she talked to Judah to find out some ideas of what he would like to do. One of the things that came up was Judah wanted to go to a place with an indoor pool/waterpark, which led to him wanting to go to Great Wolf Lodge. We've never been to one of these before, but have had friends go before, so it's always been on our list of things we wanted to experience. Anyways, that was just a private conversation we've had in our home and not something we've publicized.

Yesterday, at our church's fall festival (which, btw, was such a fun thing to get to do! Our family decorated our car for the Trunk-or-Treat in a Dude Perfect theme...hence the panda head!). Anyways, at the fall fest I got a phone call. Remember, I don't like talking on the phone, and this was in the middle of our church's fall fest. But the person calling was a friend and he walked this road before and so he was very sympathetic and supportive of our family the last time we dealt with this. Anyways, it was kind of out of the blue that he was calling, so I figured I should take the call. Basically, the gist of the conversation was this. He and his wife have been praying for us, and they had reservations already paid for something, and they had talked it over and wanted to bless our family with it. Initially, he didn't say where this was for as he was telling me all this. But I'm sure you can guess. Yes, that's right. This reservation is for Great Wolf Lodge. I bet you can imagine my jaw dropped in the parking lot in the middle of the fall fest when he said that. How crazy is that!?

Fourth, I mentioned in my last post that I could think of no better place in scripture to be than in Exodus at the parting of the Red Sea. Whoa. The sermon yesterday at our church in that text was exactly what Vanessa and I needed to hear. Some of the things that stood out to me: God led the Israelites to this place. God hardened the heart of Pharaoh. The Israelite's thinking they're free all of a sudden find themselves with a sea in front of them and an army behind them, and their response is anger and bitterness ('Did you lead us out here to the desert because there's not enough graves in Egypt!?') Our God is big and mighty and powerful and nothing is impossible for Him. The biggest reminder for me was this: The text tells us several times that God did this for His glory. God Himself led them to this place and moment. God Himself hardened Pharaoh's heart so that he would pursue them. And we're told He did all this for His glory. He wanted to glorify Himself. He wanted to show the world how big and magnificent and awesome He is. But we are not simply chess pieces in His hand. We are His children and He loves us. His pursuit of His glory is NOT in opposition to our good. His pursuit of His glory is for our good. In this text we are reminded that God is with us, He fights for us, and He makes a way for us.

With it being Reformation Sunday Matt also referenced the reformation and the motto 'Post Tenebras Lux'. That was a phrase from the Reformation period. It's Latin and means 'After darkness light'. It means we are in darkness now, but the light is coming.

I'm really not normally a crier. But I cried at several moments during this sermon as these truths washed over me. You can listen to the sermon here if you'd like. At the end of the service, they brought our family up and the other elders annointed Judah with oil and prayed over him and our family. We are thankful for this church family and their support.

Y'all, these are not coincidences. This is God continuing to chip away at that wall that my flesh wants to build. This is God continuing to pursue us and draw us near to Him. This is God reminding us that He is in control. I don't know what's going to happen. I pray and plead and beg God that this is a "Red Sea" moment and that He is about to do something incredible and heal Judah. But I don't know what He's doing. But I can't ignore all these ways that God continues to display and remind us that He is sovereign and in control. So I continue clinging to those reminders, and to the promise that He's good, He's in control, and He loves us.

Sovereign Over Us

I've never really experienced true shock and denial before. That moment you're presented with news, and your response is no, that's impossible. That moment where you ask the person to repeat themselves because surely you misunderstood them. I've never felt that before. Not when Judah was only a few months old and we were told he had a rare blood disorder. He had been sick so much we were just relieved to finally know what was causing it. Not even 2 years ago when we found out he had cancer. When they told us he had the blood disorder they said there was a possibility he could develop cancer. So I've never experienced that. That is, until this past Tuesday.

Our boys do one of those hybrid homeschool things (they attend the school 2 days a week, and we homeschool them the other days). And this school is awesome. They've been so kind and supportive to us over the years. The month of October has been spirit month (like spirit week, but spread out over the month since most of the kids that attend this school only come on Tuesdays). So each Tuesday this month the kids have been allowed to come to school dressed up for different themes. This past Tuesday was pajama day. What was really neat is, as many of you may know, over the years we have collected pajamas and donated to the Children's Hospital. So our boys' school joined in on this and asked families to bring new pajamas and DVDs with them to donate. So it was so cool Tuesday morning when I dropped the boys off at school to see this pile of pajamas and DVDs that had been collected.

When I came back Tuesday afternoon to pick them up the school had asked if I would come inside, and not go through the carpool line. Apparently, they had something they wanted to give us. I got to the school and went in and got the boys and then found one of the directors and she had this potted flower, balloons, and a gift bag filled a movie, candies, snacks, and several gift cards to restaurants for our family. Our family had just recently celebrated Judah's 2 years post-transplant anniversary, and they wanted to celebrate with us. It was such a sweet and kind gesture from them.

I walked the boys out to the car with these gifts. It was sunny. There was a cool crispness to the air. Life was good.

We had just turned out of the parking lot when my phone rang. I don't like talking on the phone but it was Vanessa, and I like talking to her, so I answered it. The first thing she said was 'Am I on speaker phone?' Depending on the situation, that can be a good or bad question. Perhaps she wants to whisper sweet nothings in my ear and doesn't want the boys to hear. Or maybe she's going to ask about doing something that the kids would find fun and if they find out about it they'd obsess it. Or it could be bad. There was pain and sadness in her voice. It sounded like she'd been crying. Crap.

I took her off the car speaker and said what's wrong. She said I just spoke with the Dr. It's not good. His cancer is coming back and he needs another transplant. She's had some success treating this kind, but she doesn't want to lie to us, it's more difficult to treat and the statistics are not on our side.

I didn't believe her. That's not possible. Life is good. We just celebrated his 2 year anniversary. They told us last week the results looked 'perfect'. Clearly I'm misunderstanding something. It was only for a few a seconds, but I was in shock and denial. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I didn't believe what I was hearing.

'Say all of that again', I said. She couldn't. She was crying. But I didn't need to hear her repeat it. Those sobs I heard over the phone told me all I needed to know. So I joined her in crying.

In those early hours after this news I've come to better understand groanings too deep for words. Through sobs all I could muster to God was 'Why?'

I've sensed the war raging inside of me between the Spirit and the flesh. I know what God says. I know the promises He's made. But the flesh fights back. God isn't good. He isn't in control. He doesn't love us.

These last roughly 36 hours have been somewhat of a blur. Lots of tears, lots of conversations with Drs, insurance, family and friends, and there's this cloud that is now just hovering over us.

And if I'm honest, there's a wall that has surfaced. It's been hard to pray. I've literally had moments where I tried to pray but the words just weren't there. My flesh wants me to be angry with God. But in the midst of this pain and sorrow, and the blurriness of the last 2 days, God has slowly been chipping away at that wall.

Tuesday evening my parents came over to be with us. At some point my mom responded to a group text she's on with her brothers and sister and some other family members. There's a relative on this group text that she didn't realize was on there and this relative reached out to my mom. This relative lives in Charleston, and has a separate apartment at their home that they'd be happy for us to use. It has 2 bedrooms, 1 1/2 bathrooms, a living room, and a kitchen. And get this. When we looked up the address, the house is only a few blocks from the hospital (and also Riverfront Park). Wow.

Chip, chip, chip. God began to chip away at that wall. That news was like a nice breeze across your face when you're in the scorching desert.

Our church is currently studying through the book of Exodus, and this Sunday we'll be at the parting of the Red Sea. But originally that wasn't the plan. That was supposed to happen last week. But then about a month ago we ended up restructuring the series, which moved this part of the text to this coming Sunday. After receiving the news we have I can't think of a better place in scripture to be than at one of the most desperate moments in scripture. The Israelites are finally out of Egypt. The thing they have longed for for so long. But now they find themselves in a barren land with a sea in front of them, and an angry Pharaoh and army behind them. That's not how it was supposed to go, right? But nothing is impossible for the Lord. And He would prove that in this moment.

Chip, chip, chip. God continues to chip away.

Later Tuesday evening I got a text from our worship leader with what he was proposing as the final set list of songs for church this coming Sunday (we hadn't announced any of this news yet, so he didn't know what was going on with us). And I honestly didn't pay that much attention to what he sent me. I trust him and so I just wrote back and said looks good. Wednesday I had to do some yardwork, so I decided to download the songs onto my Spotify app to listen to them while I worked. I spent the next roughly 25 minutes crying my eyes out...while doing yardwork. I'm sure anyone who saw me thought I was crazy. The songs were exactly what my soul needed to hear. Listen to some of these words:

Sovereign Over Us (Aaron Keyes)

"There is strength within the sorrow
There is beauty in our tears
And You meet us in our mourning
With a love that casts out fear

You're the lifter of the lowly
Compassionate and kind
You surround and You uphold me
And Your promises are my delight

Even what the enemy means for evil
You turn it for our good
You turn it for our good
And for Your glory
Even in the valley You are faithful
You're working for our good
You're working for our good
And for Your glory

Your plans are still to prosper
You've not forgotten us
You're with us in the fire and the flood
Faithful forever perfect in love
You are sov'reign over us"

A Mighty Fortress (Heartsong)

"And tho' this world with devils filled
Should threaten to undo us
We will not fear for God hath willed
His truth to triumph thru us

A Mighty Fortress is our God
His kingdom is forever"

Do it Again (Elevation Worship)

"Walking around these walls
I thought by now they'd fall
But you have never failed me yet
Waiting for change to come
Knowing the battle's won
For you have never failed me yet

I know the night won't last
Your word will come to pass
My heart will sing your praise again
Jesus you're still enough
Keep me within your love
My heart will sing your praise again

I've seen you move
You move the mountains
And I believe
I'll see you do it again
You made a way
Where there was no way
And I believe
I'll see you do it again

Your promise still stands
Great is your faithfulness
Faithfulness
I'm still in your hands
This is my confidence
You've never failed me yet"

Every Mother Every Father (Porters Gate)

"Every mother every father
Called to raise up sons or daughters
May your heart be patient
May your mind be clear
May our God be with you and calm your fears"

Red Sea Road (Ellie Holcomb)

"How can we trust
When you say you will deliver us
From all of this pain
That threatens to take over us well
Well this desert’s dry but the ocean may consume
And we’re scared to follow you

Oh help us believe
You are faithful you’re faithful
When our hearts are breaking
You are faithful you’re faithful
Oh grant us eyes to see
You are faithful you’re faithful
Teach us to sing
You are faithful you’re faithful
You’re faithful

We will sing to our souls
We won’t bury our hope
Where He leads us to go there’s a red sea road
When we can’t see the way He will part the waves
And we’ll never walk alone down a red sea road"

We Will Feast in the House of Zion (Sandra McCracken)

"We will not be burned by the fire
He is the Lord our God
We are not consumed by the flood
Upheld protected gathered up

In the dark of night before the dawn
My soul be not afraid
For the promised morning oh how long
Oh God of Jacob be my strength

We will feast in the house of Zion
We will sing with our hearts restored
He has done great things we will say together
We will feast and weep no more"

Gosh. My flesh wants to be angry at God, but despite my unfaithfulness, He lovingly and faithfully continues to chip away that wall and draw me to Himself.

I could list several more of these examples that have occurred. I could mention how on this exact date 2 years ago when Judah was in the PICU, Vanessa posted about a mom she met whose child was also in the PICU. This child, according to the Drs., wasn't going to make it early on. And yet, here they were, some 200+ days since first being admitted to the hospital, and they were about to release her from PICU because she was doing well. In that post, again, that just happened to be posted exactly 2 years ago so that it would pop up on Vanessa's facebook memories today, Vanessa said this “I need not be afraid of the miracle maker. The Author of life.”

Chip, after freaking chip. God is relentless. I can't deny His sovereignty. Yes, this absolutely sucks. It's terrifying to think that maybe our child won't make it this time. I'm reduced to tears every time the question crosses my mind, 'was that the last time I will experience this with Judah?'. Knowing what the transplant process is like...knowing the pain Judah will be in...knowing how exhausting that road is...it is overwhelming to think about the fact we have to walk it again. But I can't deny God's sovereignty. I can't deny that He is orchestrating this. There are too many things that have happened in just these past 36 hours that it would be absolutely foolish to write off as chance, or luck, or coincidence.

And if God is orchestrating this. And if He's never before proven Himself to be unfaithful or not good, then all I can do is cling to the hope that He is good. That He is in control. That He loves me. He loves Vanessa. He loves Cai. And he loves Judah. In fact, He loves Judah far more than Vanessa or I can or ever will. And His plan for us is far better than any plan we could ever imagine.

Tangled in Thankfulness

These days I find myself living a life that's tangled with joy and normalcy, and yet I find myself in moments where I am forgetful of where I have been, too caught up in the earthly trivial things going on around me or selfish desires I am frustrated aren't happening. I've learned so much about God and who I am because of the insanely hard moments of having a child with cancer, that while I am so grateful to have the privilege to be caught in the mundane struggle of life, I also don't want to be stuck there without acknowledging my God story that both rebukes and encourages my heart when I stop to remember.

It's a new season for sure. Just looking back over this neglected blog, I found this I had written 1 year and about 10 months ago:

"It's Day +4 and every day has been a little harder than the last. Judah has had extreme nausea. He has been vomiting a couple of times a day. He is also very sensitive to the IV flushes and heparin that the nurses have to use after meds/changing lines, etc. 

One of the sweetest things he has done on his own is asking to hold my hand during what he considers unpleasant times."

I never wrote that for the world to see, but it brings this bittersweet remembrance to my mind of how far God has healed and how far we have come since Judah's leukemias and bone marrow transplant to today. It's not because of anything we have done, but only because of Jesus working in us and through us, and the answer so many prayers over our sweet little boy, and I am so grateful.

It's honestly incredible how much we have gone through since that time and absolutely mind blowing that it could feel as if that was someone else's life.

From the slow healing of new marrow to coming off meds one by one, to countless doctor appointments that slowly got spaced out to just once a quarter this last year, to a blessed and booming real estate business, a growing church plant, to getting to do a bathroom reno in our home, to traveling to Disney for Judah's Make-A-Wish trip, to enjoying summer fun in the pool, lots of artwork hung every which way all over the walls, messes and more messes to clean up... the lavish grace over us is beyond anything I can think or imagine!

These two sons are gifts and it's been fun entering into that stage of no diapers and more self sufficiency. I'm enjoying being their mom so much. While they wear me out beyond belief and ask for things CONSTANTLY, they are growing into these awesome little people that often make me laugh!

We go on Thursday of this week to MUSC for a quarterly visit for labs and a physical with Judah's oncologist and we once again pray and ask for prayer for healthy, normal labs and a continued healthy Judah & family.

This October will be 2 years post transplant. We will go for annual tests and biopsies, and will be praying for the C-FREE results. I walk in victory over what God has done and pray that fear and doubt won't sweep in leading up to these days! Thank you for continuing to pray over our family!

I'm thankful to be less and less hinged around this time when God fought this battle for us, but these doctor visits remind me how out of control our own lives really are. It's not about what I do, although I so often want to think if I clean up my act, then God will be pleased. No, he is already pleased, not because of me or anything I do, but because of Jesus who lived that perfect life for me!

Also, if you could pray, pray for the families who have lost their little ones and are missing them big: Madelynn, Avie, Wyatt, and Aurora. Pray for continued health for Caroline and Victoria. And pray for those fighting right now super hard and are in the thick of it big time: William and Ry.

Accepting I am a Weirdo Recovering Cancer Mom

Today I was shopping in Aldi and a woman was apparently observing me and how I shop. She said, "You know just what you want and you just grab it and put it in your cart! Here I am just moseying along through the aisles not knowing what I want." I laughed and made some funny joke about having 2 boys that eat through the house and never having enough food in the house!

Now, when she said this I didn't think much of it, but I realized that I do know what I want and I am very purposeful in how I shop and what I choose these days. 

When she said this to me I happened to be on the end cap of the organic produce section at Aldi and this week there was seemingly more to choose from than others. I was grabbing all the organic produce that made reasonable sense for our family and budget. As I was checking out, I looked down and was so grateful for this store and the ever increasing "Simply Nature" organic items they seem to carry. 

You see, I am learning to accept that I am in fact a weirdo recovering cancer mom that can't go back to that other me who didn't care before cancer. 

I admit that I used to never care about if food was organic or not. I didn't really think it mattered very much. 

But then I looked at the state of my health dealing with Ulcerative Colitis in my young 20s and later having a child with cancer, a husband with ongoing asthma and digestive issues and I realized that through all of that I did decide it mattered and that I had to fight to get healthier and cleaner products and food into my home. This is something I am truly passionate about and it's shaped how I shop and even stepping into the consultant role with Beautycounter.  

We are far from perfect in this, but it was a priority I realized that I wanted to put more of our money towards. My kids still eat too much junk and it's a never ending fight to try to reduce their sugar intake from the world, but we all have to do the best we can and still try and live a normal happy and balanced life. 

Grocery shopping is just a tiny thing in the week that we all have patterns and ways we go about it. It really isn't something I stop to think much about until a stranger seems to recognize that "I know what I am doing" (even though I very much do not!). I just try to stock up on organic produce as cheap as possible and act like a kid in a candy shop when doing it! 

Looking at my cart, I found myself thinking, maybe buying organic is a hoax and it doesn't really matter at all. Maybe it truly doesn't. But then I found myself thinking about pesticides and them being spayed all over crops these days and you know, maybe I just won't take that chance as a recovering cancer mom? 

p.s. I know it's been forever since I posted on this blog and maybe a nice little family update would be good, but I just had the urge to write and maybe, just maybe I am realizing I need to make that time in this world and not worry about the order of things so much, but here's a family photo that the talented Charlie Mather took of us, that I should probably post a little more soon... in a year... when I feel like it.... hahaha

Judah is doing great and we had a clear 1 year post transplant biopsy and we celebrated his first Day 0 Re-birthday and truly we could not do anything else than to give God all the glory and thank him daily for the breath in our lungs and the life in our children! Thank you Jesus for your healing on our family! 

Almost Out

It's late and quiet and I'm a night owl, so I tend to do a lot of thinking at this time when the littles are in bed. I'm pausing and thinking about where we are right now and where we just came from. We are almost out of the tunnel. The light is getting brighter in this season and soon we will bolt out into the sunshine free.

There have been very distinct moments where I felt like a wounded soldier limping out from the battlefield, going through any cancer will do that to you whether you are the patient or the mom of the patient. Moments when I cried over and over to God, asking him to protect and preserve the life of my sweet 2 year old son. And even now as we near almost the end of 100 days post bone marrow transplant, there's that quiet terrible whisper asking me, "Will God be good again THIS TIME?" Even though, I quickly say to my soul, "YES! He will be good THIS time and EVERY time!" Oh, how good he has been to this little boy and to us! Judah has his 90 day bone marrow biopsy this coming week and we are praying for clear results and 100% donor cells so he can finally go home, so that all 4 of us can go home, so that this whole back and forth, time split when we can't all be together time will end. I feel like in many ways my life is in limbo and yet at the same time, like God has used this time to mold me more into who he wants me to be.

God's opened a passion in my heart for healthy living and I can honestly say there isn't a more perfect place than Mount Pleasant, SC for that to start. My joke when I first got here was, "Where is everybody running to!?"

It's hard to put a finger on exactly how God is changing me, but I can feel it deep inside. A newness  of life is there springing up from the caked dry hard ground of my heart. I was so tired and rundown and complacent in life before and now I cannot help but feel as if God brought us through so much! There is NOTHING he cannot do! This time has helped me to stop and DREAM again, to pray and seek God to lead us to where he wants us!

I'm honestly excited about routine and life at home and running our businesses. God is good and I'm grateful for all of you and how you walked with us through this and while there is so much recovering and healing to yet go through, I cannot help but stop and look and see how far God has brought us. Praise Him for that, friends! Praise Him!

Happy 2017 to you all! 

Love,

The Traylors

Hospital Life and Judah Update: Week 1

I sat in my favorite hammock chair pouring my heart and tears out to the Lord. Today was the day we were beginning our hospital life helping Judah fight 2 different forms of leukemia before his bone marrow transplant. I remembered how the very first time I walked into the clinic holding my 6 week old beautiful blue baby bundle, there was a guy that Hart knew from college. He fought leukemia as a child and was back for his yearly check-up. He had just had a baby boy. Something most cancer patients know just won't ever happen for them.

I remember at that moment the Lord whispering to my heart, I can do all things. See, what good I can do.

In my trembling fear gazing at my newborn, I wondered, "Was this foreshadowing things to come?" If so, God was telling me that He had it. Nothing is impossible for him.

I sit tonight after our first week of chemotherapy admitted in the hospital in awestruck wonder of God's goodness. I know it will get harder. This is just the first week of 5, but truly I feel so utterly blessed. There were tons of hard moments this week. We had to go back to surgery 2 days after to replace a central line that Judah had pulled out. We had to fight Judah to get oral meds into him. Chasing a toddler around hooked to a sensitive IV line and heavy pole that constantly was getting caught on things and wasn't long enough to keep up with how fast he was moving was EXHAUSTING. There were moments of intense frustration and little sleep. But there was SO so SO much good that all I can do is praise the LORD!

Walking into this week, I had the pleasure of being able to worship at church one last time for awhile and the song, "Christ be all around me" by All Sons and Daughters and it was one of those moments where I had to lift my hands and everything in me said, "YES! This is what I need." Christ before me, Christ behind me, above and below me. All around me.

And He has been. He has covered Judah like a shield. He has allowed Judah to be remarkably unphased by chemo thus far and I'm so grateful for this so very tiring week.

We had the body of Christ visibly around us in friends bringing meals to the hospital (SUCH a help!!!), sending us encouragement in many forms (texts, chocolate, links to songs, small gifts for me and the boys, financial giving, visits), having family help out, and the hospital staff here at Palmetto Richland has been so fun and positive, and helpful! It's really been amazing!
 

God is with us! He is before us and paving the way of complete healing for Judah!

Thank you for continued support and prayers! Because of you, we are being held up and sustained! 

Stunned by His Faithfulness

photo cred

I was hot and flustered trying to put Judah's carseat into the van in the middle of July. She scared me as she said my name which I barely heard over the music and thinking about how I was going to wrangle my wild child into his carseat. It was my neighbor and she wanted me to come over to her driveway to give me something.

I was on my way out to drop the boys off at a friend's so I could go show houses and running a bit behind schedule.

As I pulled into the drive way, she came out with a small rectangular piece of paper in her hand. As she got closer, she held it out to me and said, we just wanted you to have this. Get that baby well.

It was a check for $1,000.

I was stunned. 

We love these neighbors so much. They are like my kid's 3rd set of grandparents. They have watched my kids run around barefoot to pick blueberries in the back yard and have seen my little daredevil's tricks on the trampoline over and over again. They have given popsicles over the fence and taken them when this frazzled mama just needed a couple hours to clean the house. They have gotten mail and fed our dog when we were out of town.They have been sweet family right next door for the last 7 years, but I didn't expect this.

In all honestly, I didn't expect any of this.

Some 20-something year old man halfway across the world giving my baby a chance at new life. A neighbor handing me a check for too much money to go towards all the added expenses coming up.

And suddenly, I see right up close that God sees my heart and knows my fears and wants to show me He is bigger. When I pray and ask God to be CLOSE; He is. He gives and provides and uses His people for His glory and leaves me speechless, because I am too used to the mundane to see this God that is able to move mountains. So he proves it to me as he stuns me out of complacency. He is the giver of life, of new life, of needed things to help relieve stress and mostly, he is my God the One who also had me read this passage this morning before all this happened and as I reflected on it again this evening, I can't help, but see this verse jump out before me.

"The living, the living, he thanks you, as I do this day; the father makes known to the children your faithfulness." Isaiah 38:19 

If you would like to find out more about Judah's health updates check out his FB page! If you would like to know more about his giving, go here!

Be Near

This trial is different. I have a confidence going forward. I know it will only be a season. Trials don't last forever. I can trust God. All things I tell myself all day long.

I know this, but it doesn't stop the heaviness that can fall upon you in an instant.

I spent the majority of the day reading a book. The first book I have read in a long time. Once I get into a book, I have trouble putting it down. I'm just like my Gramie that way.

I had no anxiety or worry really floating around in my mind. I was just trying to finish my book between episodes of my children bursting through my bedroom door.

Then suddenly it was there. What was that? Why did it suddenly come on me? Where is this coming from? 

I felt the weight of it. All of a sudden I wasn't normal. All of a sudden I didn't want this life with a child diagnosed with pre-leukemia. I wasn't like everyone else. I was alone.

The darkness enveloped me and I tried pushing it away to no avail.

Kissing the boys goodbye, I grabbed my car keys and went to meet a friend. I admitted the haunting heaviness that I was carrying. I didn't want it. I wanted to be light and free and not heavy laden.

Why was my life full of trials? Why me, Lord? 

In the 7 years we have been married, we have experienced what many don't experience in a lifetime. One year of newlywed bliss, then a little one surprisingly coming 9 months later. Financial burdens, cars without A/C in SC heat, one car family, past health trials, struggles through fostering while simultaneously growing life inside of me. Second son born, then hospital life and a diagnosis we thought was the end.

It's felt like one string after another, yet there has always been joy and blessing in the middle of it all. All of it has melded our family together and closer to the Lord, even when he has felt distant.

I finished my book and grabbed my journal. I knew what was wrong.

"Lord, I want to know you CLOSE in the midst of this trial with Judah's health. I don't want to question what you are doing or why. I just want you to be near to me. I don't want to be complacent. I want to be moved by your spirit & love you deep. Please don't be distant. Let me know more of you. Help me to hunger for you, Lord, to feast in your Word. Draw me in Lord & cradle me now. I need you Lord. Be near." 

I was tempted to put it aside and turn off the light. But, I grabbed my Bible instead. I flipped it open to the Psalms and read exactly what I saw first. Psalm 73.

This Psalm starts out by saying, "Truly God is good to Israel, to those who are pure in heart. But as for me, my feet had almost stumbled, my steps had nearly slipped. For I was envious of the arrogant when I saw the prosperity of the wicked." 

That was it. I was envious. I wanted normal. I wanted to not be the mom of the child that would die if we didn't go through a bone marrow transplant. I wanted to be able to have an easy life, free of trial and coast right on through, enjoying whatever riches we could achieve and live right on however we desired.

Without Jesus. My feet had almost stumbled.

God brought me to this exact Psalm to show me what that life would be like apart from him. It was not worth being envious over. Their life seems easy and best, but it brings death. There is no pain and everything appears to be perfect. They are normal. Nothing appears to be wrong on the surface. But it is far from desirable.

"Nevertheless, I am continually with you; you hold my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will receive me to glory." v. 24 

"Oh, Lord, you are holding my right hand. Even now reading this exact passage. You led me here. You are guiding me with your counsel. Thank you, Lord!" 

"Whom have I in heaven, but you? And there is nothing on earth I desire besides you." v. 25

Straight up conviction like an arrow to my heart. I wrote in my journal, "...there is nothing on earth I desire besides YOU."

How I fall short of this! Forgive me Lord! Be in front of me. Let me desire only you on this Earth.

Only Jesus.

I can't be normal, because God loves me. He wants me near and He wants me to inherit more than anything on this Earth could give. He wants to give me himself.

Heaviness gone. God was near right now leading me to himself.

"But for me it is good to be near God; I have made the Lord God my refuge, that I may tell of all your works." Psalm 73:28

God is promising to be near to me. That is where it is good. He is my refuge. And I have to make it that way. All this is happening in my life, so that I may tell of all His works!

Who am I to doubt that? 

photo cred from Pinterest

All There

He lay there belly first in the sand with his smiling face lifted up to the sky. I looked down at him, unsure if I was really ready to get sandy and wet. There was something about him I couldn't help, but take in.

He was all there. He was not worried.

I have bore many worries ever since we got the news over a month ago that he was pre-AML right as we turned the corner of his 2nd birthday. Despite my trust in God, of course the worry as his mother comes down in dark waves that take you to depths you don't want to go alone. Ever.

As I stood looking at him and seeing how happy he was, knowing this would be the last time he would be at the ocean shore for quite some time before his transplant, I couldn't help but be reminded of how I should be more like him. He was doing the exact thing that God wants me to do. Be all there. No worries about the future.

I sat down next to him and let the sand sift through my fingers, enjoying the water splash over us and ebb back again. We were there together and I allowed myself to be all there until the fears crashed back in trying to rob my joy yet again.

The irony is that I do trust God. If the worst thing happens. If my child died. I still believe God is good. That he loves me and that he knows what is best for me, but I would live with an ache that would never erase, and I know I would never be the same. And I'm not sure I would be a person you would want to live with.

I never thought this world would be my world, even as I walked in and out of the cancer clinic passing the little bald heads as we went in and out for labs. I saw in their faces the heaviness of seeing their child's life on the line and I wanted to understand, but didn't know how. I was always lighter. I don't think you really know until it's your reality and you feel the weight of what it means on your shoulders.

Even with all the questions swirling in my mind, I know that the grace of God is given in the exact portions you need it, exactly when you need it. I cannot fathom how His redeeming grace will be with me as we walk this road together. But without a a doubt, I know it will come at the exact moments I need it, because it's happened already.

Sitting in that room for the first time, meeting the transplant doctor and hearing all the things that could possibly happen to your child as he plays innocently on the floor with toys, I did not cry. I have no idea why. In fact, the doctor was worried she didn't adequately explain everything, because in that moment, God's grace was filling me with peace despite what I was hearing. He has Judah's life in the palm of his hands! I have no choice, but to walk forward and trust Him, that he is good!

I often wonder what it would have been like to be the Israelites lost in the wilderness. They knew the Promised Land was right on the other side, but they didn't want to trust God. They were content to sit in the hot, blazing desert where they could control little around them, than to follow God into the land that He was giving them rich with milk and honey.

I remember once digging my heels in and refusing to go where God was taking me. How can this be God's plan? How can He be doing this to me? None of this makes sense. This is NOT right? What on earth is happening? 

The surgeon scribbled onto a pad of paper what my insides would look like and explained I would wake up with a bag stuck to my skin. I was septic and it was poisoning my body very quickly. They had 4 hours to rush me into surgery and save my life by removing my entire large intestine, so ulcerated from colitis it couldn't even function anymore. It had burst. As a 20 year old college student, I could not even fathom how the heck this strange situation came into my life and how God would use something like this to prepare me for this time with Judah. I didn't go through that trial willingly. God gave me no other option and I was mad about it for awhile. 

I missed my exit as I listened to his coordinator tell me the news I had been waiting to hear. They had chosen a donor and they had sent the paperwork to Europe to be then delivered to my donor who would receive the call that they had, in fact, the exact same protein as my wild 2 year old little boy. They were his match. When could he donate?

I was filled with a relief and a heaviness all as the same time. This was real. This was happening.

I can't say what will happen at the end. This is a story that God is writing and I'm flipping the pages of the book as fast as I can trying to read about what happens next in the plot. You get to follow along with me and see the rawness as it comes.

I know one thing for sure. I want to be like the little boy belly down in the sand not a care in the world with a zeal for life that stops you in your tracks and makes you sit right down in that surf, get sandy and wet, and try to remember what it was like as a kid again with no worries in mind. It's here where God wants us. It's in this place of trust as we pour out our fears to Him, knowing that He is the good good Father and He will take me, Judah, and you into that Promised Land, whatever that looks like and wherever he has it. This side of Heaven or the other. I trust you, Lord Jesus with my life. And I trust you Lord with Judah's life. Will you trust him with yours? Make us new, Lord. 

This is one of many to come as I chronicle our journey through bone marrow transplant with my 2 year old Judah. My voice as a mother through it all. Check out Judah's facebook page for the most current updates.

Judah Jet's Journey: "You need to write!"

There are times in my life, usually when I am least expecting it, when I know the Lord tells me to do something. One of those moments happened this morning as I was listening to the sermon in church and praying about what our pastor was saying. The sermon was on Romans 12 and Matt was specifically talking about how each of us are apportioned unique gifts to use and often times those look different in different seasons of life. As I was thinking and praying about this, I said, "But Lord... I can't use any of my gifts I normally would in this season!" 

This season. This season is one that is 100% pulling me out of my comfort zone. Literally. Yes, I am worried about my 2 year old diagnosed with pre-leukemic cells and developing Acute meyloid leukemia and going through a bone marrow transplant. Who doesn't worry about all that means?

Right before the bone marrow biopsy that revealed our not so lovely news

But one of the things I am dreading most is the loss of physical comfort (shallow, huh?!), leaving our home for an extended period of time and not being together as a family (not so shallow, I suppose). In addition to having to sleep in the hospital on that terrible narrow couch (dread) in horribly tiny hospital rooms, being up all night with a possibly vomiting/sick child, making my child sick with chemo, not being at HOME for something like 5 months, at the earliest, being without my husband and oldest son. Being away from our church body and friends, showering down the hall in the communal bathroom because we can't share a shower with Judah. Shallow stuff like that. It helps to focus on the shallow sometimes because the hardest stuff is too overwhelming to think about all at once.

Before I could even finish my prayer about how I can't use any of my normal gifts in this crazy season, I heard from the Lord, "You need to write!"

Wait, WRITE?!

Ummm, I don't consider that a gift. In fact, I've felt as if I have had nothing to say for almost 3 years now, hence why I haven't posted very much. Blogging used to be my thing in a way. My outlet and I had a voice. But for awhile now I've sat down to write, but just couldn't push publish, even if what I thought I wanted to say could be shared. It was as if the Lord silenced me for 3 years and now, suddenly, I know I need to speak and write through this.

Writing means being vulnerable for all to see on the internet. Then there are the comments from people who like to then respond by giving me advice as if they know exactly what I am going through. And it's not like I am incredibly talented at gram-mah... or something. (HA!) Then there's the question, but who really wants to read what I have to say????

Opening myself up from the secluded hiding place I have been in away from Blog Land, takes a deep courage I must muster up, because this time, I'm not sure what I have to say is going to be all that lovely. This time you are going to see a mom in the midst of a trial no mom wants to face with her family, a child going through a transplant in which there is an 80% survival rate. (shudder)

But Lord, if writing is what you want me to do, I will do it. I will be raw and open and honest and let you see this ugly sinful heart I have and how it's only because of Jesus that I can still have joy even with all that is about to come, even on the worst days.

Lord, go before me. Give me your words to speak. More of you, less of me.

Spirit of God

This song has been a source of encouragement to me lately. I'm leading the music at Midlands on Sunday January 31 (you should come visit us that day!!), and I'm actually going to introduce this song to the set for that day. This is a song by Sovereign Grace Music (visit their website to buy it and download free charts). I hope this song encourages you like it has me. Here are the lyrics:

VERSE 1
The blessing of the Father
Gift of grace and love
The promise of the Savior
For power from above
Oh, wondrous gift that’s given
For confidence and mission
Holy Spirit, You make all things new

CHORUS
Spirit of God, breathe on me now
Source of life, come, revive my weary heart
Spirit of God, shine on me now
Light of life, come, ignite my longing heart

VERSE 2
Come and lift the dark clouds
Of doubt and unbelief
Shine upon my soul now
For by Your rays I see
Clearer, closer, deeper
The love of my Redeemer
Holy Spirit, You make all things new

BRIDGE
Where You breathe hope thrives
The dead return to life
And the dark must flee the breaking day
By Your light I see the glory of my King
Beholding Him I will be changed

© 2015 Sovereign Grace Praise (BMI)/Sovereign Grace Worship (ASCAP)

The Testing (and Strengthening) of My Faith through Support Raising

So as I'm sure by now y'all know, back in October we announced that after lots of prayer and counsel and careful consideration we really sensed the Lord directing me into ministry at our church, Midlands. In order for that to happen though, I would need to raise support...$45,000 to be exact. That $45k would serve as my family's primary source of income. Vanessa and I (and more so Vanessa) will also do real estate on the side to bring in additional income for us to be able to meet our normal annual budget we've been living by over the past years, as well as hopefully bring in some extra money as we continue working towards financial goals we have set for our family.

Other than sending financial support to family, friends and acquaintances over the year I don't have any other experience with support raising...especially trying to raise it myself. (Well I've done the whole raise a few thousand dollars for some summer youth mission trips but those certainly pale in comparison to this type of support raising). With that said, by the Lord's might, and power, and grace, and mercy and kindness, since I started raising support back in October, as of today, I've raised around $30,000 (in one time gifts, plus people committing to give money on a monthly basis, or in the near future). From what I'm being told by people who have lots of experience raising support, that's amazing to raise that much in roughly a 3 month period. Again, this is my first time personally raising support of this magnitude, so I don't know any different. But I do know and have seen how hard and long those friends have worked to raise support over the years, so I'm inclined to take their word for it.

I'm of course blown away by God's provision. But I've also been blown away by the generosity of so many. All the support I've received so far has been mind boggling. Some support has so many zeros at the end that it's hard for me to even comprehend, while other support has come from people that I know has meant they are having to tighten down financially in other areas in order to give their financial gifts, and some support has come from people I either barely know or honestly don't know at all. It truly has been humbling and astounding.

Because of the support I've raised so far, I've had enough to allow me to go ahead and begin working at Midlands from November through January. And I've loved it. I love being in this environment. I love the people I work with. I loved working at The Mather Company for the last 6 years, but think that was more so because I loved that I got to work with my best friend pretty much every day, and it was fun experiencing building a real estate company from scratch to eventually having employees and agents in a large building in prime location in downtown Columbia. But working at Midlands Church is different. I feel like I'm in my element here. I truly believe God has wired me for an environment like this.

Over the years when I've talked with people about what I want to do with my life, inevitably the question comes up 'What do you love and how can you make money with it?' When we get to that point of the conversation my standard response (more like a joke) has been "I love Jesus, my family, music and Gamecock athletics, and I don't really know how I can make a living with those things". But honestly, here at Midlands Church I'm getting to satisfy 3 of those loves.

I love that throughout the day at the office we talk about Jesus. We talk theology. And not just in an academic sense, but in a personal sense. We share with each other and encourage each other to pursue Jesus and grow in a deeper love for Him. We also do a lot of planning throughout the week as we discuss church events, programs, etc. And it's not in a numbers sense (how many people can we get there and say that got saved), but how those things will 1) edify our church body and help them grow in the grace and knowledge of Jesus, and 2) reach our local neighbors with the gospel of Jesus.

As Director of Family Discipleship my job is to be thinking through how our church can help train and equip the parents in our church to disciple their children. We firmly believe that God calls every Christian to be a discipler. We are to sharpen each other as iron sharpens iron. But God also specifically calls on parents to be the primary discipler of their children. In our society it's really easy to lose sight of that one...especially when churches take that responsibility on themselves (and therefore take it away from the parents). So sadly kids Sunday School classes and youth groups often times end up becoming a place that parents view, not just as free childcare, but where the primary discipleship and training of their children takes place, rather than in their own homes. And really that's the churches fault. As church leaders it's our job to 1) show parents, through God's Word, that discipleship of their children is their primary responsibility, and 2) train and equip the parents so that they actually feel ready to take on that responsibility. In doing this 2 things have happened. 1, I've realized how poorly I've been leading my family, and by God's grace it has lit a fire under me to strive to lead them better. And 2, a deep, and honestly viscous, desire is growing within me to see healthy and godly family units.

Family discipleship isn't just doing some devotionals together at night throughout the week. Family discipleship is living and modeling a good, godly and healthy marriage to your children. It's demonstrating, yes on a smaller and broken scale, what it means for a husband to love his wife like Christ loves the church, and for a wife to respectfully submit to her husband. It's demonstrating repentance to your children. When you screw up, own it and confess your sin to your family and pursue repentance. Show your children you must be willing to do whatever it takes to kill sin in your life. It's showing them an unconditional love, even when they screw up, so that they can get a glimpse of the truth that there is nothing we can do to cause God's love for us to diminish. While also lovingly disciplining them so they know there are consequences for their actions.

Since taking on this position a fire is growing inside of me. I passionately want to see the city of Columbia, my city, filled with family units that are brightly displaying the light of the gospel. When trials and hard times present themselves to families, rather than responding like the world does and fleeing from the trials, I long to see families faithfully walk through the fires and storms knowing that God will sustain them. I long to see husbands and wives remain committed and faithful to each other. I want to see children growing up in homes where their parents joyfully embrace the call to disciple them.

As Director of Worship I get to be around music, and I love it. I love each week being able to devote time to reading God's word and selecting the songs we will sing each week. I love trying to find songs each week that lyrically connect with whatever the text is that will be preached each Sunday. I love that with this position I'm able to pull out my guitar and work on music. And of course I love seeing it all come together on Sunday mornings and getting to play music with other really talented musicians, who all have a similar heart and desire to want to see Jesus increase and us decrease.

So as you can see, I love what I'm doing. So what does the title of this blog post have to do with what I've just been talking about? Well, as I mentioned earlier about my support, I have enough raised at this point to ensure that I will be paid my full monthly salary for January. But that's it at this point. And that's honestly a scary feeling.

So the purpose of this blog post is 1, to ask those of you reading to support me financially. I only have roughly $15,000 to go. If 150 people each gave $100 that would get me to $15k. Or if 15 people gave $1000 that would also get me there. I need $15,000 to get me to my goal so that I can continue serving at Midlands Church full time. Of course I covet your prayers. So please keep me and my support raising in your prayers. But if you are financially able to support me, I really need that help as well.

The other reason I am posting this is because I wanted to share this blog post I read last night. Even though I knew my current support was beginning to run dry, yesterday I was reminded of that. And to be completely honest, I was pretty down after that. The doubt started to get in, and I was beginning to question the Lord's plans. Writing this blog post has done good for my soul. It has forced me to remind myself what God has done up to this point, and I'm just reminded again that this is absolutely where He has called me to, and if this is where He wants me to remain then He will allow the remaining support to come in. But back to yesterday. Like I said, I was beginning to feel down and discouraged. I ended up coming across this article and through it the Lord encouraged me.

With the dawn of the new year I decided to do one of those read through the Bible plans. So the other day I read in the book of Exodus, and specifically it was the actual exodus part, where Moses and the Israelites finally left Egypt for good. Interestingly, when they leave it says that God didn't lead them through the land of the Philistines because the Israelites would change their minds if they saw the war (Exodus 13:17). If you didn't know, going through the land of the Philistines would have been the most direct route. But instead God led them around toward the Red Sea (Ex 13:18). God then reveals to Moses His plan saying for the people to encamp in front of the sea. Doing that will lead Pharaoh to say the Israelites are lost and he will decide to pursue them (Ex 14:1-4). And of course we all know what happens next. God performed a miracle by parting the sea, allowing the Israelites to cross on dry ground, and then drown the Egyptians.

So I read that the other day, but at the time didn't really connect the dots. But last night the Lord connected those dots. God led His people on a route that didn't make sense. But He did it in order to test and strengthen the faith of His people. The writer of the article I read said:
"His ways are not our ways, are they? His ways are higher than ours. And they’re wiser than ours. And they’re better than ours (Isa. 55:8–9). Remember this, child of God: our Father often acts unconventionally. He likes to choose the unseen path for his people to walk. But he always has a way to save. Sometimes it’s through the sea. He’ll always provide, but often from sources we would never suspect (1 Kings 17:8–16; Matt. 6:25–34). God is faithful, but he’s rarely predictable."

I was really comforted and encouraged when I read that. The reality of it is, God could allow the remainder of my support to come in in the blink of an eye. But perhaps the reason He doesn't do that is because it might be the equivalent of me going through the land of the Philistines. The Israelites were terrified by the report of the spies they sent into Canaan, and that was after experiencing some pretty amazing things (Red Sea parting and God allowing them to defeat some enemies while wandering in the desert). So if that terrified them, can you imagine how much worse they would have likely responded coming face to face with the armies just after leaving Egypt? They absolutely would have ran back to Egypt. So who knows. Maybe if He let my support come in all at once, I might end up losing sight of Him? Or maybe (and probably likely) He wants to continue stretching and strengthening my faith for what He has in store. I don't know. But I am sure of this. His word tells me that He is good, He knows my needs and promises to always meet my needs (and often times exceeds it), and His ways are not my ways but His ways are so much better for me. Even though I want to doubt, as I look back over my life, and even the last 3 months, I'm reminded that God is not a liar. He has never not once fulfilled what He promises to His children. I'm sure it was scary for the Israelites feeling trapped between a sea and the Egyptians. But I also can't imagine the awe and wonder they felt as they passed through the sea on dry ground, and then the exhilaration and relief they likely felt watching their captors be utterly destroyed and washed away.

I don't know how God is going to provide. But I am certain He will. Maybe it will be some crazy miraculous way, or maybe it won't. But I know He will provide, and through his provision He will display his glory.

You can read the article I referenced here.

Traylor Real Estate Team Website Launch

Look at that good lookin' Husband-Wife Realtor team! Don't you want to use them to help you buy or sell a house!? Haha, in all seriousness though, back on January 1st we kind of officially launched our website. So we just wanted to highlight that over here on our personal blog. Launch is probably an incorrect word to use, because that would imply that our website is pretty much fully functional and up and running, and that's definitely not it. But we at least got some pictures posted on it, and our contact info. But anyways. Head over to www.teamtraylor.com to check it out! And from there you can also find our facebook page. So would you be so kind to take a second and head over there in order to like our facebook page if you haven't already? It would mean a lot to us! And keep your eye out as we continue to update it with the latest real estate happenings!

Support Raising Update

Happy New Year everyone (and a belated Merry Christmas)! We hope y'all had a joyous, blessed, fun-filled holiday season! It's been a while since I've posted an update on the support raising front via our blog, so I thought I would take some time to do that.

I'm currently writing this blog post Saturday evening, Jan. 2. A bowl game is on in the background, we are watching some kids for a friend this evening and so we have 4 boys running around our house shooting at things and blowing things up! Vanessa is cooking something in the kitchen. Not really sure what it is, but it smells good, and it involves kielbasa sausage, so I'm sold! And at the time of writing this post I am at 68% support raised. I don't know the exact number off the top of my head but I know it's in the $30,000 range. So by God's grace when we began raising $45,000 in financial support back in October, in a roughly 2 to 3 month span God has allowed, through the generosity of many, $30,000 to come in! Only roughly $15,000 to go!

I am still blown away by the Lord's provision and y'all's generosity!

Since I began working at Midlands Church on November 1, a lot has gone on! I highlighted a bunch of it in an e-newsletter I sent out a few weeks ago but to quickly recap, I officially started Nov. 1 and hit the ground running hard my first week because our Men's Retreat was that coming weekend, so we had a lot of final prep work required. I had the privilege of organizing the music for the retreat, as well as speaking at one of the sessions. The rest of November and December was spent preparing for the Christmas season and also looking ahead to the coming months of 2016. For Christmas we put on a Lessons and Carols event. This event was kind of my baby and my first big official thing I oversaw from beginning to end. It was a lot of work putting together the scripture texts, songs, organizing the musicians and getting charts together, finding and coordinating people to read the scripture, organizing people to bring desserts to provide for afterwards, plus a lot more. But by God's grace, and the help from a lot of people, it came together, we had a great turnout (almost more than triple than what we were anticipating!) and it went smoothly overall and based on feedback from people, most importantly it seemed to be a time that helped people get refocused on Christ in the midst of the craziness of the holiday season.

The biggest item from these last few months is it was announced towards the end of November that Luke Syfert, one of our pastors, and his family would be moving to Georgia where he would be filling a pastoral role at a church in his hometown. While this was certainly a sad announcement, there is no doubt God's hand has been on this move. 2015 was marked by many changes for our church body. We transitioned from being a campus of a church, to becoming our own autonomous church, we changed our church name to reflect that transition, we moved buildings and had to change our service time. Not surprisingly, when multiple, big, changes happen within a roughly 8 month period, you can expect a percentage of your current people to leave. So as we enter 2016, things such as our budget, look a lot different than last year when entering 2015. This past summer when our leadership began looking ahead to 2016 and the new budget, it became apparent our church would no longer be in a financial position to maintain 2 salaried pastors. As they explored options, only 2 seemed feasible. Either both of our pastors cut back to part time and find additional work elsewhere, or one of our pastors steps down. In the midst of that, the Lord was beginning to stir within the hearts of Luke and his wife to be closer to family. And just days after they first realized one of our pastors would likely need to step down, Luke was offered a similar pastoral position at a church in his hometown. Simultaneous with that, and all of this budget stuff unbeknownst to me, the Lord was making it clear my time as an employee at The Mather Co was coming to an end, and God was beginning to stir my heart with the idea of raising support to come on staff at church. While it is certainly sad for him to leave (he meant so much to our church, and he and his family were dear friends to us), since the time of that announcement God has continued to affirm and reaffirm this decision. God has been faithful through this all. He has been and is continuing to sustain our church. And in actuality, with Luke's departure, our church is in a healthy situation and budget as we kick off 2016.

With Luke now gone, we remaining staff are pitching in to help carry the extra load. As I continue to get settled in I'm taking on more and more of the administrative and operational items that Luke oversaw.

You can read my e-newsletter here for more details, and it includes a link to Luke's letter he sent to our church body with the announcement.

Since the time of that e-newsletter, we had a baby/child dedication which I took part in. I had the opportunity to present the family taking part in the dedication with a gift on behalf of our Kidlands Ministry. It's also become tradition to incorporate The Blessing into our dedications, and so I had the special privilege of sharing with our church body the history of that song. For those not aware, The Blessing is a prayer my Dad wrote and prayed over my sister and I growing up, and along the way my sister put it to music. So it's extra special for me to see that song included in these dedications.

As we kick off January we have a pretty packed month. On the worship front we have some auditions lined up. We've been so blessed over the years with such gifted and awesome musicians. It's always exciting and amazing to see the many different talented people God brings into our body. On the Family Discipleship side, we have another dedication coming up (we've had a lot of babies born, and we have a lot more that are due!!). And on January 31 we will be having a Family Funday. Throughout the year our Family Discipleship (which includes our Kidlands Ministry and our Student Ministry) put on Family Fundays, which provide our families the opportunity to come do something fun and build special memories with each other. We also use the time to provide parents an opportunity to practice discipling their children by providing them with materials and opportunities to lead a simple family devotional. At Midlands Church we believe God calls Christians to be a people who disciple, and He specifically calls parents to be the primary discipler of their children. It's our job as a church to equip and train parents for that calling. So our heart, even behind something like a Family Funday, is to incorporate ways to train and equip the parents within our body. This coming Funday we will be treating our families to a time of roller skating and indoor mini golf!

The other big item on my calendar is that I've been asked to preach on February 28! I'm certainly humbled and excited for the opportunity, but I'm also quite nervous! So please keep me in your prayers. Pray that God would bless my time of study and preparation, and that I would speak His truth clearly, and in love.

As always, first and foremost I praise the Lord for how He has provided, especially when it comes to the financial support. It's crazy that we are so close to be 3/4s of the way through. But we still have a ways to go! Would you please prayerfully consider financially supporting me? Leading up to Christmas I sent out roughly 150 letters that included our family's Christmas card, a support magnet and a commitment card. If every person that received one of those sent $100, then that would be almost $15,000, which would mean I would be fully funded. Since sending out those cards, I have received just over $2,000 in support. Would you please consider joining my financial team?

And of course I covet your prayers. Please pray for the upcoming events that I outlined above. Pray that God would use those to glorify Himself and to further His Kingdom. Pray for our church body as we enter 2016 and begin this new chapter in our church's life, and that our church body would be marked by a deep love and knowledge of God, and a selfless love for our neighbors. Pray for me and that I would serve my church in love and humility. And most importantly, pray that I would love my boys and always make time for them, that I would be continually pursuing and dating and serving my wife, and that I would not neglect my personal time seeking the Lord through His word and prayer.