Judah Jet's Journey: "You need to write!"

There are times in my life, usually when I am least expecting it, when I know the Lord tells me to do something. One of those moments happened this morning as I was listening to the sermon in church and praying about what our pastor was saying. The sermon was on Romans 12 and Matt was specifically talking about how each of us are apportioned unique gifts to use and often times those look different in different seasons of life. As I was thinking and praying about this, I said, "But Lord... I can't use any of my gifts I normally would in this season!" 

This season. This season is one that is 100% pulling me out of my comfort zone. Literally. Yes, I am worried about my 2 year old diagnosed with pre-leukemic cells and developing Acute meyloid leukemia and going through a bone marrow transplant. Who doesn't worry about all that means?

Right before the bone marrow biopsy that revealed our not so lovely news

But one of the things I am dreading most is the loss of physical comfort (shallow, huh?!), leaving our home for an extended period of time and not being together as a family (not so shallow, I suppose). In addition to having to sleep in the hospital on that terrible narrow couch (dread) in horribly tiny hospital rooms, being up all night with a possibly vomiting/sick child, making my child sick with chemo, not being at HOME for something like 5 months, at the earliest, being without my husband and oldest son. Being away from our church body and friends, showering down the hall in the communal bathroom because we can't share a shower with Judah. Shallow stuff like that. It helps to focus on the shallow sometimes because the hardest stuff is too overwhelming to think about all at once.

Before I could even finish my prayer about how I can't use any of my normal gifts in this crazy season, I heard from the Lord, "You need to write!"

Wait, WRITE?!

Ummm, I don't consider that a gift. In fact, I've felt as if I have had nothing to say for almost 3 years now, hence why I haven't posted very much. Blogging used to be my thing in a way. My outlet and I had a voice. But for awhile now I've sat down to write, but just couldn't push publish, even if what I thought I wanted to say could be shared. It was as if the Lord silenced me for 3 years and now, suddenly, I know I need to speak and write through this.

Writing means being vulnerable for all to see on the internet. Then there are the comments from people who like to then respond by giving me advice as if they know exactly what I am going through. And it's not like I am incredibly talented at gram-mah... or something. (HA!) Then there's the question, but who really wants to read what I have to say????

Opening myself up from the secluded hiding place I have been in away from Blog Land, takes a deep courage I must muster up, because this time, I'm not sure what I have to say is going to be all that lovely. This time you are going to see a mom in the midst of a trial no mom wants to face with her family, a child going through a transplant in which there is an 80% survival rate. (shudder)

But Lord, if writing is what you want me to do, I will do it. I will be raw and open and honest and let you see this ugly sinful heart I have and how it's only because of Jesus that I can still have joy even with all that is about to come, even on the worst days.

Lord, go before me. Give me your words to speak. More of you, less of me.