I scan the crowds. Every little black girl I see, I stare just a little longer until her head turns and I realize yet again that beaded head is not hers. Brea left a mark on our hearts forever. Cai still talks about her as his sister and I have to say, "Well, we don't know where she is anymore. We know she is loved and safe and happy and with her sister. We may never see her again, but we can trust God is good!" And I watch as his eyes take that all in.

My heart wishes that her current foster and adoptive family would contact us. We gave them a sweet book of all of her baby pictures and our information to do so, but their choice is to not contact us, which is sad, but the way it is in fostering and they have to do what they think is best for her! We did have to let her go and this system is so so broken. We were receiving updates via my social worker,  but she has now left Richland DSS like so many other workers.

We will always love this sweet girl and while we have closed our home officially now to fostering, this child will always leave her footprint in our hearts.

So now as I think of her and I do quite often, I just cover her in prayer and know that my place far removed is to be her prayer warrior and to love her still knowing that God is protecting her and moving her on. It's been 7 months since I held her that last time in my arms and breathed in her scent and laid her down in a home other than my own. It hurt to see all her things piled in a pile so high I am sure it made DSS wonder, but circumstances with Judah and the direction of the Lord made us know that it was time.

So for all of those that wonder and say, "Oh I can never foster. I could never lose them." The truth is, you can. Yes, it's hard and you will cry, but it is better to love them, love deep, and carry them in your hearts forever, than to not do it all.

We may not be in a season of fostering anymore, but each child touches your heart in a way that is truly beautiful. It was one of the hardest things we have ever done as a family.

Brea,
I pray you will read this one day and you will find us, so I can do what I have always wanted to do and hug you just one. more. time. We love you and always will.

Foster Care Update: Loving B to the End!

There have been so many times that I have wanted to publicly share the awfulness we have endured the last few months within the SC DSS system, particularly in Richland County, but today we celebrate, because God moved and because God is doing great things in the midst of a broken system, particularly through their new county director, Reese Palmer, who we met with this morning.

As you know we have been fostering B for over a year now, and when it came to light the depth of what we were dealing with with Judah and his bone marrow failure disorder, we began to realize that our role in the foster care system needed to end. But it was far from easy.

You see, Hart and I could NOT give up on the little girl God placed in our family. Most foster parents would have not hesitated to pick up the phone in the midst of such a crazy trial and have a child moved with the snap of their fingers, but we couldn't do this to this little one. I guess you could say we weren't most people. We couldn't stand the thought of her being traumatized again by moving to an unfamiliar home, with people she didn't know, and never seeing us again.

While the storm at DSS was brewing and transition after transition was happening, our own family was enduring our own storm with caring for our medically fragile baby. Family members of ours stepped in to help and began caring for B during our many hospitalizations and numerous doctor's appointments. A bond formed deeply there and while at first they began seeking how to just become respite caregivers, at the same time, we were realizing more and more that what we would be dealing with was a life-long situation with Judah. We knew we couldn't continue fostering. These family members wanted to step up to become B's foster parents. They could also adopt her if that need ever arises.

It's just that during this time B's caseworker changed 4 times in 1 month and we all were having trouble navigating the system. We had a lot of problems with stability during this time and with changing hands during a particularly stressful time, it felt as if we were now the enemies and not treated as a key component with a voice that could help work towards the right end to help the whole child. And it made us sick. It felt as if the entire system was against us and B's needs were being disregarded.

Until today. A round table was held with many key people within the county, and it was realized that just as I felt like all along, it was in B's best interest for us to pass the baton to our family members. I am so glad that I did not give up. That we can all have a happy "ending", even if it's just fostering. B and her baby sister were both allowed to be placed together under the same roof, within our extended family. A family she loved, was used to, and already saw as HER family. The most amazing thing is that we can truly be a village raising a child. That we can still see her and love her with all of our hearts, just a little further removed than the day to day in our own immediate family. We can focus on stabilizing our baby's health. Finally.

As I returned home, and scooped that baby girl up in my lap to read her before nap story, she took the story I had chosen "Goodnight Thumper" from my hands and placed it back in the book basket. She instead picked up her Jesus Storybook Bible by Sally Lloyd-Jones and placed it in my hands.

It fell open to pg. 74. And I read:

"No one loves me," Leah said. "I'm too ugly." 

But God didn't think she was ugly. And when he saw that Leah was not loved and that no one wanted her, God chose her-- to love her specially, to give her a very important job. One day, God was going to rescue the whole world -- through Leah's family.  

Now when Leah knew that God loved her, in her heart, suddenly it didn't matter anymore whether her husband loved her the best, or if she was the prettiest. Someone had chosen her, someone did love her -- with a Never Stopping, Never Giving Up, Unbreaking, Always and Forever Love. 

So when Leah had a baby boy she called him Judah, which means, "This time I will praise the Lord!" And that's just what she did. 

And you'll never guess what job God gave Leah. You see, when God looked at Leah, he saw a princess. And sure enough, that's exactly what she became. One of Leah's children's children's children would be a prince --the Prince of Heaven --God's Son. 

This prince would love God's people. They wouldn't need to be beautiful for him to love them. He would love them with all of his heart. And they would be beautiful because he loved them. 

Like Leah." 

Like B. Like you. Like me. 

It gave me chills reading that to B. (even the part about having a baby boy named Judah!) Seeing her heart and how she longs to be loved and how she has a love for God at even a young age. The fact that we got to keep loving her with a Never Stopping, Never Giving Up, Unbreaking, Always and Forever Love. And we get to pass that on. 

It's an honor. A true blessing from God. 

And I am thankful I can say that THIS. THIS is what fostering is all about. It's about making a difference. And maybe we could only do it in one life. But we did it. And by God's grace alone. He kept us going when we wanted to give up.

And now I get to collapse into a heap of joy under the weight of God's mercy and grace. He is truly the defender of the weak and helpless. The fact that he would use us as part of it, is beyond belief. 

Thank you, Jesus! I know he will continue writing B's story and I know she will always be loved, because God chose HER!

He writes the best stories.

 

Fostering Through the "Storm"

I suppose it's time for a little foster care update on this blog. It took a dramatic turn when Judah entered this world and the focus shifted promptly to him and his health, and to our survival as a family, sustained by prayers of those around us.

We need prayer again. B has court this coming Monday.

I cannot write specifics, of course. So, we ask for your prayers covering her and our family, and that God's perfect will be done in her life. Whatever that looks like.

I remember clearly almost a year ago getting that first phone call. A little girl. 7 months. Would we take her?

We held hands, prayed, and said, "Yes!" Even though the world would eventually tell us how crazy we were. For we knew just 2 days prior, that God was knitting together a little one made in His image.

We knew it would be hard to both be pregnant AND foster, but we went full on ahead, knowing God would work out the details. I don't think we realized HOW pushed to the limit we would be, but it was worth it. Every deep moment chasing deep moment.

Our deepest, most serious family portrait! Haha! (Photograph by Kelly Smith)

I remember when God breathed to my soul this verse for B.

"Those who were not my people I will call 'my people,' and her who was not beloved I will call 'beloved.'" Romans 9:25 

For so long, I thought that meant she would be MINE. A mini-promise entailing God's chosen child for our family. But I was wrong. Throughout this journey, I discovered the reverse to be true. She was not MINE, but His. HIS promise over B, that she was His BELOVED. He was taking care of B. He had bigger plans than what I could dream for her.

The rush of the past 4 months, being in and out of the hospital with Judah, there were so many times when I just didn't think we could keep fostering our precious B, a little one we didn't want to be tossed around in the system, a little one we loved like our own! Time and time again, God allowed people to step up to help. And on one occasion, then many thereafter, Hart's cousins kept B for us when we needed them.

They fell in love head over heels with this sweet girl.

In the same moment where I knew I wanted God's best for one that I knew was His beloved, I knew that puzzle pieces were beginning to form where B was fitting perfectly with our extended family.

While we have continued fostering her through this "storm" of life, we could not have done it without Hart's family stepping up, saying, "YES!" to this unique and beautiful B!

Monday is huge. Our family will stand before a judge and ask that he allow B to become a part of our extended family forever. Truly the best of both worlds for her and our family! We would get to be a huge part of her life. She would still be a part of our family at large, and we could watch her grow up, still see her for Holidays, birthdays, etc! She would be truly, deeply loved! I know that full well!

We don't know what will happen. But, we can pray. We can ask that God works mightily in this little girl's life. That she gets a beautiful family that cares for her best interest! A place she can live life to the fullest! Hart's cousin's home is that! We want her there! The place she truly would be the happiest!

As a mother, a foster mama, I know, none of these children (bio or foster) are MINE, but His. I know that when we said, "Yes!" It meant we would grow. We would learn a ton about ourselves! As seasons of life change, we know that sometimes it's not always how we pictured it, that through the storms, we are refined. We are changed for the better, and we come out more like Jesus than ever before.

B's story is beautiful in Christ and we know God is writing a beautiful ending! Please lift her up in prayer!

 PhotosOf Grace Photography by Kelly Smith