Something has finally changed within me. I have prayed for God to give me a desire to read his Word daily, but for a good portion, maybe the last year of my life (or more) that has not been a true desire. As much as I love God, I just didn't want to do it. It would happen on occasion, but usually more often out of some unknown guilt. God just seemed far away to me.

As the new year turned, I didn't have some crazy long list of resolutions, instead I was encouraged to just pray where I was at. At the sink doing dishes. Over my toddler who was screaming at me. Fixing dinner.

Then, this past Sunday I noticed my husband had grabbed two reading plan journals that our church had available to encourage us as a church body to be in the Word daily. I honestly thought, Oh, GREAT. Just what I need. Something else to do that I probably won't continue doing.

One morning this past week, I happened to pick up the journal to figure out what it was all about. It was amazingly simple. There were 2 plans. One that you could read through the Bible in a whole year, reading through the Old Testament twice and the New Testament once.

That seemed a little lofty for me who hadn't been reading her Bible hardly at all lately.

The second plan was an abbreviated reading plan that gave portions of Plan A to read through.

That seemed less intimidating. I started there. I read. I wrote down a little on the journal pages. And I was amazed at how perfectly what I read pertained to where I was at that moment.

"Yet another said, "I will follow you, Lord, but let me first say farewell to those at my home." Jesus said to him, "No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for the kingdom of God."

How often had I been dong that in a similar way? "I will follow you, Lord, but let me first (you fill in the blank I put that above following the Lord), even good things like serving my family had been coming first and other things like email.

I checked off the little spot that had said I had read. The next day, I read, but it was a crazy day and we had to be up and out, so I didn't  get to journal anything.

The following day I recorded this verse:
"Behold, I am with you and will keep you wherever you go, and will bring you back to this land. For I have done what I have promised you." 

 How true had that been lately, yet I have paid no attention? I felt like I had been brought back.

And that brings us to today. This morning seemed like a whirlwind from the moment I woke up. Was it really morning? I heard Micaiah already fussing. Lord, I can't handle a fussy toddler AGAIN. Yesterday was enough! 

The way our morning began I had to just jump right in where we were. Hart was off and I had that fussy toddler all to myself. I tried in my own strength to be a good mom, but inside I was hating every moment. I didn't want to pretend to cut up wooden carrots or stack blocks. It seemed that every other minute, Micaiah started whining. He seemed tired and it was only 9:30 am. As a last resort, I put him down "for a nap" in his crib just so he could maybe rest a moment.

I went out to the living room and sat down in my chair. He wasn't sleeping, but at this point he wasn't crying. I knew I didn't have much more than 5 minutes, before that fake nap time was over.

I got out my reading plan and read quickly EXACTLY what I needed to hear.
(Read the beginning of Luke for some background to these verses, if they don't make sense to you).
"Fear (revere) him who, after he has killed, has authority to cast into hell. Yes, I tell you, fear him! Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? And not one of them is forgotten before God. Why even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not; you are of more value than many sparrows." Luke 12 4 - 7 

I had just heard that in the Bible there are 366 verses that begin with "Fear not". One for every day of the year plus a year we have a leap year.That's a message that God wants to encourage us with. Every day, he tells us NOT to fear.

In that quick 5 minutes, I knew that God had not forgotten me and where I was at. He understood my problems, my lack of love for doing this blessing job of being a mom. Fear NOT! I had value. I was important to God. In the midst of that craziness God was with me.

I closed my Bible. I got up. I went back into my toddler's bedroom and I didn't have to pretend to be a good mom. God had given me the strength I needed where I needed it.

I think God is going to teach me a lot this next year as I faithfully meet him, even if it is for 5 minutes.

Digging in

I have to be honest here. I am truer in my blog than to your face, unless you really know me. You find out things about me here that I wouldn't share in our basic face to face encounters. But, even here, I have been shallow. I haven't been deep. I haven't been completely true.

I have to admit. I haven't dug in much this past year. Sure, I've been christian-like. It's who I am now, but to be honest, I haven't dug in, let the Word seep into my soul sweet. I've been busy. Too busy. I've told God later, not now, just wait until I check my email, never to return.

I've been reflecting on this fact. It's the end of a year where I think back, look ahead at the symbolic fresh start and long to dig in more.

Last night, I finally gave in. Why do I stay at arms length from my Lord?

Over many different situations God has brought to me a psalm. So many times, in fact, that I knew it wasn't just a coincidence any longer. It was a message for me to absorb. It was time I sat down and let it soak in. It was time I dug in.

This is what I journaled last night.

God, 
 I'm starting to get it. 103. Psalm 103. You want me to know it. You keep bringing it to me. My ribbon in my Bible is always there so that I can learn what it means to "Bless the Lord, O my sould, and all that is within me, bless his holy name!"

I want to bless you and forget not all your benefiits, the things of old that remind me of the truth. This freedom in Christ I cannot always understand. This forgiveness of my iniquity, ALL my iniquity. 

I ask how you do so and you answer. You heal. 

All the diseases that rot me away to the core. This greed. This covetous heart. This selfish, unsatisfied soul, that is wasting away, sinking lower than ever into that pit. 

You redeem though and I come out. But wait, there is more. There is light outside of this pit. There is a crown that you anoint my head with. It is steadfast love and mercy that sinks into my bones and satiates me with good, so that I fly and run without getting tired. I am an eagle in the sky. I move to the rhythms of your grace. 

You work righteousness on my behalf. I remember Moses and his acts and that you are merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love. 

I need to remember that you are not always angry. You don't deal with these wretched sins I make the way I deserve. No, you separate them and take them. My eye cannot see how far you take them, but I do long to know your steadfast love that I am promised to know if I honor you. 

I spread out my hands and my sins are removed from east to west. You take that sin away from me. 

Your compassion fills that sin spot. You know we are dust. Can I remember that, too?

This life is like  grass and gone like the breath you sustain in us. Your love, O God, is steadfast, never failing!

It rests upon me. I honor you with all of me. I dance this life with this love overflowing to my children and their children. We dance looking to your throne established on high. 

Bless the LORD, we sing. 
Bless the LORD.
Bless the LORD.
Bless the LORD, O my soul! 

My spoken Word version of Psalm 103.