Fears of Adopting


As you know, I have been reading this book about adoption. I've been trying to process all that has been going in my heart as I read this book. Most of the time Hart and I feel the call to adopt our next child. Bloggers, you will just have to bear with me on my heart processing journey that has begun...

I have a lot of thoughts and fears that I am sorting through. Namely, will I really love a child that is not "mine" as much as I love the one that is already "mine." The amount of love that I have for Micaiah is huge. It is beyond words. It has grown over time, but within a few days of having him in the hospital, my ferocious mama cub hormones took off leaving me completely and uncontrollably in love with this little tiny baby that was "ours." I love everything about him. Will it be the same?

I'm sure that with any child after the first child, there is a feeling similar to this, and God always makes room for more. I know there isn't a certain amount of love you have for one and they take it all up and there isn't any left over for another, but I know that I wouldn't see traces of my own face in theirs. Or Hart's hair line on our baby's head or any other trait passed through genes. Does that matter?

I know it is selfishness keeping me here in this fear. Ugly selfishness that wants to have everything look a certain way.

Before having Micaiah, I had many preconceived notions about what our baby would be like. It didn't take long, after waking up to the world, that he pretty much knocked down every single thought that I had. I realized rather quickly that it was NOT Vanessa that got to decide who our baby was, but it was by God's own choosing. It is God that will decide who our next child will be, not Vanessa.

Isn't that the scary, yet wonderful part about having another child, regardless of how they come to be part of this family!?

When I talk about adoption to those that haven't adopted, I can clearly see a question in their eyes about the subject. Maybe even you don't really "get it." Especially when talking to people that have had "their own children" I can see them wonder why on earth you would ever want to adopt. They wonder why you would choose to adopt when you can "have your own." Aren't there too many problems associated with adoption? Isn't it really expensive? 

All I do know is that adoption is beautiful. As a Christian, God has adopted me into his forever family to be part of his Kingdom. I was once lost, but now I am an heir in Christ. "For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, "Abba! Father!" The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children then heirs --heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him." Romans 8:15-17 

As I delve deeper into the adoption subject, I grow in my thankfulness for my own adopted state as a child of God. I've become a lot more sensitive to how we tend to phrase things (hence all the quotations above) when talking to others that actually have adopted children. We are also very thankful that we go to a church (our support) that loves adoption! I like that Moore references one sign of a healthy church is the outpouring of love for orphans and that they have been adopted by those in the congregation. It's encouraging that two really good friends of mine are in the middle of adopting. I have those that I can call on and talk to about these issues and it is really good for my spiritual health as a Mama that someday soon wants another.

I know we are not ready right now to adopt, but the floodgates have opened and I can't get Psalm 68:6 out of my head..."God places the lonely in families."

Which one will be ours, Lord? I'm praying for you right now, little one.

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